I rarely felt a part of anything except my immediate family. Of course I compared myself to them, my larger than life parents, who each accomplished the impossible and were able to talk to anyone. My younger sister was much more outgoing than I was: confident and secure in her huge circle of friends. Usually one friend at a time was enough for me.
I’ve always had a way with dogs
From elementary school to college, I sat in the back of class. Being called on to speak was the stuff of nightmares, and I can recall most of my incorrect responses to this day. If I answered incorrectly, it was because my heart had stopped and my stomach reeled, not because I didn’t know the answer. This further proved to me that being silent and invisible was the best defense. Somehow I managed to graduate from College without taking a speech class–one of my greatest accomplishments!
I have never played in sports or performed in front of a crowd. My idea of a great time is cooking a great dinner, painting a picture or reading a book. Dogs are my friends. The never ending chattiness of some people is very hard for me to take. I have never belonged to a club or very long to a church. I was not part of “the group” at work or at school. I hate parties. Sometimes I think I have missed out by not being somebody’s maid of honor or playing an instrument onstage, but mostly I am happy with my small life at home.
It’s always been hard for me to ask for help, not because of pride but because of introversion, and the fear of being made fun of. I have figured out how to do things myself, for better or worse.
Three marriages have taught me that running away is not the answer to problems, although the first two times I felt I had no choice. I couldn’t face the idea of a courtroom and a fight with the first one, but the second time I left with a tiny daughter who forced me to be strong for her. This was the first time I ever felt worthy, capable of caring for someone who depended on me. She made me responsible enough to take chances that I would never have taken otherwise. I chose to move from the beauty of the Rockies to Southern California to be with family and find a job. I was on another planet, because Southern California is the place where you’d better like lots of people.
That’s me in my saucy Sunday suit on the right.
It is hard to know where introversion leads: some people, like my mother, overcame her shyness to speak in front of crowds. Some, like me, develop ancillary problems with self esteem, anxiety, depression, and the tendency towards substance abuse. I have overcome my fear of crowds to be in charge of a roomful of children as a teacher, but could never participate in a meeting of my peers.
My paralyzing fear of speaking in class helped me understand my own students, and my classroom was always a busy, sharing, cooperative learning kind place. Bullying and discrimination were never allowed in my inclusion classroom, a place where Special Ed kids felt as safe as their mainstream peers. Discovery in the classroom was my goal. Lectures were rare, discussions were continuous.
With my own children I have let them make mistakes and I was never a very good soccer mom: good for me they were swimmers (a solitary sport). As a Montessori aide I learned about allowing kids to own their intrinsic pride, not saying “I am proud of you”, taking it for myself. I would say this guiding principle made me the parent I became, allowing my kids to discover themselves instead of being “talked at”.
Not sure it was right, but one is never sure of parenting rights and wrongs. It was right for me. I hope it was right for them.
The love of my life
In my golden years now, I’m still a little short of confidence and self esteem, still am trying to find my way, still avoid crowds in malls and groups of people in theaters and get togethers. I am lucky to have a husband and family that tolerates my occasional hermit behavior, but sometimes they take me places to watch me hyperventilate and twitch.
Strangely I find the excitement of going to another country a comfort instead of a threat. We have visited Peru during a labor strike. That was as memorable as a winding journey through the Austrian Alps, or swimming with dolphins in New Zealand. In the time I have left, I hope to continue to learn by traveling.
Is it a lifelong curse or a blessing to be an introvert? I only know I could not have been any different than I am, and I hope my own awareness has helped some others along the way. I have found it is easier to be understanding when you are an observer rather than the one in the spotlight. That has worked for me so far.
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